Forgot about day 3

It's day 4.

I'm "cheating".

I've had coffee just about everyday. On Monday I had some grapes at night. On Tuesday I had some nuts. Today I had both.

Part of me, the guilt-ridden-I'm-good-for-nothing part, wants to think that is terrible. That I'm doing terrible. That I can't keep my promises. That I can't fully accomplish anything.

Another part, the it's-all-or-nothing-diet-mentality part, wants me to just throw it all away and just eat a big fat burger already because, well, I already screwed it up, so why continue?

Another part, the positive/hopeful part, wants me to try all over again tomorrow, full juice. That I didn't fully screwed it up. It was just fruits and nuts and coffee. It's not like I went on a crazy binge. Guilty still, but thinking that tomorrow is another day.

And yet another part, the one who has new learned behaviors and patterns of thinking through over a year of therapy, is ok with it. Without justifications, without reasoning. This part is just ok with it because these are the choices I consciously made today. And they were much better than another part wanted to make.

It's very hard not to listen to the very loud voices from the past that hunt me still today. Voices of not enough-ness, of imperfection.

But I'm working really hard on, at least, turning their volume down. Sometimes they scream. Loud and clear. Other they are so normal, I'm not sure what is sane-wise mind, and what are voices. And yet other times, the times that are slowly becoming more frequent, they just whisper, and it's so easy to just ignore them.

The wise mind in my head knows that I am not "cheating". I am simply making wise choices. And that is ok. Because I knew it would be very hard to go through a day of ACLS class and not have any coffee or something to chew on. Because I know myself and I know that I need something else. Because I know that I would go completely mad if I tried to do a true fast.

So, just as I do with my children, I pick my battles. These are internal battles, but I am getting better at fighting them and accepting the results...

Day 2 on its way

Boy does my head hurt...

Yesterday didn't go quite as planned. I juiced all day and night alright, but spending 4 hours at the ER was not a part of my plans...

My dear son T woke up from his nap and I noticed he was walking with his legs open wider than normal. Then when changing his diaper, he would scream when I wiped his testicles, and they were red, and k e looked swollen to me. Since I'm in nursing school, of course I thought of testicular torsion right away! So to the ER we went. 4 hours, 15 mg of Versed, an ultrasound , and one groggy kid later, everything was fine. Of course. And thank God!

Today I woke up 2lbs lighter than when I went to sleep last night. But i know that a lot of water weight is lost in the first week. I've had a headache all day, which is supposed to be around for a couple days. I've felt exhausted ALL DAY LONG. Ended up having one cup of coffee in the afternoon as an attempt to keep my eyes open while working on a paper (and I still have two more to write - gotta love nursing school). It made me a bit nauseous. Actually nauseous is a good descriptions for how I felt all day...

So now I sit with T leaning against me watching backyardigans. I'm really gonna put that self control to test in a few minutes when I start making dinner for the kids and resisting eating any of it...

I'm juicing

And I'm writing about it.

Well, hubby has been juicing for a long time. Almost a year. I've drank it here and there and lately I've been having two to three cups a day. But I decided that on Monday I wanted to start a fast, like he did for three months back in August or sometime around then. He has been basically juicing everyday and having one meal. And eating "normally" when we go out or go on vacation. He has been extremely successful with weight loss and maintenance. And I want that too.

Now, if you've read my blog before, you know I have issues with food. I can't make up my mind if a juice fast is good or bad for me. It's pretty radical and drastic. Which tend to not be very good for me. It also requires A LOT of self control, which I have very little of. I think I can learn much from making myself exercise self control in such a radical way. I like to think that I can do it. I like to think that lessons will come from it to me. But I'm not sure. ..

So I'm gonna go ahead and write about it here and if you don't want to read about it, well, see you later!

Unfortunately, if I'm being honest with myself and you, there are big chances I'll fail. That is what would normally happen to me. Giving up is something a do too easily. I hope this time is different...

With that said, I had juice around 6:15. Then I had coffee (yeah, coffee is not supposed to be in the juice fast, but one thing at a time, and I had to wake up early to be at church). Lots of water throughout the morning. Another juice at 9:30. Another small coffee around 11:15.

When I'm out and about, it's not too hard. The problem will come when I'm home and the kids are in bed. That's when I normally loose it and rage the pantry. Again, hopefully not this time around.

And to end it, it's 11:45 and I am hungry. My stomach is growling. I'll be home making more juice soon!

Happy Fall

Now that it's finally starting to cool down I feel ok saying it's fall.

Also, I know it's been over a month. A lot is going on. But I'm honestly too tired most of the time to sit down and write it down.

So, here are some pictures of the kids as I attempted a mini photoshoot in the backyard before the gardner comes and blows away all the leaves!

Tyler

This is my sweet boy.

He is 2 years old. He is smart. He is sweet.

He is also different.

At 16 months old he wasn't talking, so our doctor recommended a speech consultation. We didn't go. We heard so many times, from so many different people that boys, specially second child boys, are slower to develop. At the time, I think we believed that ourselves.

Then he turned 2 and still no words. We started to worry a little. But it wasn't just the lack of speech, it was the tip-toe walking, the stuffing peas in his ears, the obsession with television, the tantrums every-single-time something wasn't exactly the way he wanted it to be.

Our doc put in another referral for speech, and at the appointment I insisted on a developmental evaluation. She wasn't concerned, but I was.

A month later he had his evaluation at CVRC. The results: cognitive, 18 months; expressive communication, 12 months; gross motor, 23 months; fine motor, 14 months; social/emotional, 17 months; adaptive, 22 months. That means that although he was 25 months old, his developmental areas were not that of a 25 months old child. So he started going to CITI Kids, a Clovis Unified early intervention program, Tuesdays and Thursdays, for 90 minutes. During our first time there, his teacher suggested CHAPS (Clovis Hybrid Autism Program). We got the approval for that last week and yesterday that started.

What does that mean? I'm glad you asked!

It means 30 hours a week of in home intervention (I guess you can call therapy if you would like) with a tutor. To ease him into it, we are starting with mornings only. So yesterday I spent the morning hearing Tyler kick and scream and cry in the playroom because he did not want to do what he was being told to do. And all they were asking him to do was put his hands on his knees, and alternating between work time and play time. To start they will be working with compliance and eye contact, two areas that he lacks a lot. After 3 months another evaluation will be done to see where he is and if we should continue with CHAPS or other programs.

He will continue to go to CITI Kids, he will start speech therapy in the coming weeks, and I think at some point occupational therapy will be thrown in the mix too.

His schedule is busier than mine! And I'm in nursing school...

So that's the update on the kiddo. Prayers are appreciated.

Let's not forget that there is also Makenna, who needs love, and attention, and all the things a 4 year olds needs. There is also nursing school. Oh and let's not forget I am married and would love to have an actual relationship with my husband!

So, yeah. We will survive. We will make it through this. Because there is no other option! One day at a time...

Wedding bliss

10 plus years ago my then soon to be father-in-law officiated my wedding. It was an honer and a pleasure. It was fun, and funny, and everybody laughed when I stared at him because I didn't understand what he was saying and wanted me to repeat. It was "I thee wed."

Last Sunday my father-in-law got married and my husband officiated his wedding.


Besides gorgeous and looking like she's only 30, his new bride is someone I love. And although Chad introduced them to each other, it was my idea. And yes, I'll forever take credit for that. So they owe me, big time!


I couldn't be happier for them.

She is

sweet

fun

beautiful

caring

strong

loving

smart

funny

stubborn

creative

and now she is four years old.

Sealed with a kiss

Zoo fun

Hubby and I have been hitting the gym every day in the morning either after dropping M off at preschool, or before taking T to City Kids (more on that on another post).

Today T didn't have class so we decided to skip the gym and take the kids to the zoo. So I took a few pictures. Not very good ones this time as the kids weren't exactly cooperating!

one of the few times T was out of the stroller. he likes to run away!


one of M's favorite things to do at the zoo


daddy helped the kids feed the giraffe




his "why do I have to stay in the stroller?" face


watching sea lions at the new sea lion cove


And because I had a craving for lunch, we went unhealthy: In N' Out burgers! They were delicious and I know I'll pay later for that choice.

Oh well, it was a good morning

Paso Robles

On Monday hubby and I decided we wanted to go somewhere for the weekend. After throwing many possibilities in the air, we decided on Paso. We've been there before and we love it there.

After taking much longer than I thought at the doctor's office, we left and went straight to Thomas Hill Organics for lunch. Yummy. Then we went wine tasting at Herman Story, Alta Colina, Booker, and Summerwood.


After some wine we checked in at the hotel, met with some friends, and headed out for dinner at Il Cortile, my absolutely favorite italian restaurant ever. Ever. Ever. Talk about good food. I wish I could eat there everyday. But then I would probably weight 300+ pounds!

Back at the hotel we hung out at the jacuzzi by the pool for a while, talked to some people we met at the pool, and went to bed around midnight.

I woke up at 9 the next morning. Yes, you read it right. 9 AM. It was divine. I don't remember the last time I slept so much. And I think I only woke up because I heard hubby on the phone ordering room service for breakfast. It was just perfect.


Then onto some more wine tasting. I think this was our friends' first time wine tasting in Paso, so we wanted to take them to our favorites. We started with Turley, because they open at 9:30 am. Then Epoch, most definitely our favorite.


Then Jada, where we can sit on at balcony and the wines are paired with little pieces of cheese. Then Stanger, where we had never been before, and might not go back. And finally Daou, the place with the best view and a brand new, gorgeous tasting room and property.


We wanted to stay another night, but all the hotels were booked up, probably due to the holiday weekend. Oh well. The kids were at hubby's mom's so we drove home and watched Hunger Games in a very quiet house. It was nice.